My Innermost Being

I am creating this blog in order to give myself an outlet for expression. Like many people, I find myself covering up my feelings and wearing masks. I hope that trough writing in this blog, I can have the freedom to explore my emotions in a safe and constructive way. Note: I will not be using real names, unless I am writing about public figures. This blog is not meant to be a place for bashing my friends or family.

15 January, 2006

Long Time, No Blog!!:

It has been a month since I have last blogged! Here is what has been going on in my life:

My Christmas was awesome! I spent it with my mom, my two brothers. and sisters-in-law. My brother has a step-son, Ray, and a baby daughter Kate. I totally love my family, and this holiday season I realiaed how totally blessed.

My New Year's Eve was way fun. Three of my girlfriends and I just goofedaround and played games! It was a great way to enter into a new year.

I have been busy on three disability projects for a council that I am appointed to. It is kinda of overwelming, and it is alot of pressure. However, I am handling the pressure well.

I have been working on my writing. I completed an article, and I have four on the back burner. I am going to put my writing on hold for a few weeks until I can make a dent in my disability projects.

I have also been more social lately-been going out with friends a few times a week.

This is what I have been DOING> in my next blog, I will explain what has been going on in my heart.

18 December, 2005

A visit From my Dad!!! :

My Dad doesn't live in the same state as I do, so I don't see him that often.. It always bring joy to my heart when my dad, step-mom, and half-brother come to visit.

They are currently foster parenting to five children, so my apartment was quite full. The kids were wonderful! The oldest was ten, and the youngest was 1. They had lots of questions about my disability, and they were quite loving and affectionate. I couldn't help but wonder what kind of sadness they may have been concealing. Did they miss their mom, or were they relief to be taken away from her? I wondered how good of a father my dad was now, and in a silly way, I was a bit evious.

My dad is a changed man, thanks to coming to know Jesus 6 years ago. However, he was a different man while I was growing up. He had many affairs and had used drugs. It was from Him that I learned about livinnng a double life. To most people, he was this awesome, funny, outgoing guy. My brothers and I saw his other side,, and we wehren't allowed to talk about it.

My dad has given up/ the women and drugs, and that should given me hope that with Jesus, I can conquers my dark side. Yet, I am fearful that I never will. On the other hand, I watch him with his foster kids, and it is hard to doubt the power of God to change people..........

They didn't stayu long, but I thought it was one of our best visits. My dad, step-mom, and I are learning to relate as adults. That was very freeing...

13 December, 2005

My Relationship with Christ- I am missing something:

The bottom line is my relationship with Jesus is definitely messed- up! How else can I explain my total lack of faithfulness to Him? I am such a double-minded woman! I can worship God with my entered being one day, and sleep with a guy the next! I don't understand it! I have known Jesus as my Lord and Savior for nine years, and I have been involved with immoral sexual behavior for the last 5! of those years!

I am totally missing something! I have gone to counseling, I have fast and prayed, I have confessed to Christian friends, cast out 'past demons", yet I continue to forsake the love of Christ. I rather have a few hours of acceptance and attention then to obey God. This is VERY VERY dangerous behavior, I know. God loves me too much to allow me to continue this way.


I don't want this double life anymore. I know it brings you dishonor and keeps me miserible. I know it distorts Your image to those who don't know You. I don't know what to do. Forgive me. Help me. In the name of Jesus, Amen

I am not the only Christian who is having a filthy, secret love affair with the world. In fact, there are alot of us in today's society. That is tragidic. No wonder Satan is having a field day right now. I don't know about you, but that sends shivers up my back.................

Thank You, Lord, that Satan is ultimately under your feet.............

I will continue to explore these issues in future posts.

08 December, 2005

Writing Disappointment:

A few days ago, I learned that an essay I wrote a few months ago didn't win a certain contest. I didn't even make the finals. I'm so bummed.

I am glad That I had finished my short story before I learned the news. I get discourage so easy, so I wonder if I would have entered this new contest.

I know, I know, all writers have ups and downs. However, I still have a tremous amount of trouble dealing with the rejection of my work. I take it too personally.

I know it is rediculous. I mean, I know I have talent, and I have success in the past. For example, I received $400 for a piece over this past summer. Yet, my mind is screaming what a failure and loser I am.

I need to press onward and not give up. That is what God wants me to do.

04 December, 2005

Writing A short Shory: A Good Thing -

Ok, the bad thing is the article and essay are still unfinished.

The good thing is I just completed a short story and submitted it to a contest! I feel good about this. Not only because I did something that I set out to do but because I was using my talent that God has given me. Using our talents is a way we honor God. After all, He didn't give us gifts just for the sake of it. He wants us to use them!

The short story was disability related, and I thought it was pretty witty. I had a few people read it, and they thought it was really good. Still, I'm anxious to see if my story will made an impression...

25 November, 2005

Feeling like Scum :

Writing on this blog is helping me idenity my emotions easier and faster. I woke up this morning feeling like scum and a loser. On the suface, I was feeling that way because I didn't finish my article or essay. I couldn't stop beating myself up. I couldn't even pray.

Then I realized that not completing my tasks was representing something bigger in my life. Something that was painful to admit. I feel like my friends are passing me by, and I feel so embarrassed and guilty about that.

In the last year, I have drifted away from several of my friends. Some of them have careers taking off and some have started families. And here I am, in the same place I was 5 years ago. I don't feel like I have much to offer these friends. We haven't hung out lately, but in a way, I'm relieved. I don't have to be embarrassed by the non-progress in my life. That is why I have placed so much importance in doing that article and essay. If I finish and sell them, then maybe I will be confident enough to hang out with these friends again.

I know this is irrational thinking. They are my brothers and sisters in Christ. I know they love me and they don't look down on me. They are probably pulling away because I em.

You know, I will talk to them about this. I will tell them I am sorry for pulling away and admit why I have been doing that.

I think I'm feeling better. I will go and work on my writing projects.........

23 November, 2005

Dealing with Procrastination

I have so much to do, and I don't want to do it! In fact, I can see how I am trying to self-sabotage myself so that I can avoid doing things. I woke up depress, but I was fine when I went to bed. It was only when I thought of what I needed to do did I get depressed. Then my back started to hurt, and my back never hurts! Then I allowed myself to get drawn into stupid TV shows where I could consensually on other people's problem rather then my own.

Why do I do this myself? It seems harmless enough. "oh, I will do that tomorrow." The thing is "tomorrow" turns into years in the blink of an eye.

In this particular case, I am talking about pursuing a writing career. I HAVE BEEN TALKING ABOUT IT FOR TWO YEARS! It is time to do it or shut up about it. There is no doubt about it. I know I have the talent, but it is useless if I don't apply it.

I wanted to finish an article and write an essay today so I could submit them. Have I attempted either one? Nope, and it's almost 5pm! To make it worse, I'm wallowing in self-pity. Yuck! I'm thinking of what a loser I am and how I won't ever change. Now tell me, how is this helper? It's not, but it is hard to stop it.

Why do I put things off? I'm scared. Why if I fail, and people reject my writing? It is one of my main skill. If I don't succeed, then what? It's not like I can work at a restaunant, store, or office. I'm just way too physically slow and I can't answer phones. I feel like if I fail at writing, then I won't have any options to fall back on. That is way too scary to consider.

Of course, I need to get over it, and just do it. The Holy Spirit doesn't send us fear, and perfect love casts out fear. We will see if I will submit to God and pursue what I know He wants me to pursue.

\We will see if I will finish my article and essay before I go to bed...............

22 November, 2005

Disability Awareness Panel :

I was on a disability Panel on Monday. We did it as part of a local agency's "disability sensitivity" training. The focus of the training was on how to interact with people with disabilities. I won't go into it, but you can find the tips we discussed at the following site:

It went well. i like doing stuff like that and challenging mindsets. During my time, I discussed the different challenges that I have from having multiple disabilities. I shared some of my experiences with misconceptions. For example, some people will speak to me as though I am a child.

I was charming and funny, and people responded to that. However, I think I was also real. I admitted to them that I tend to be"on" when I am around new people. I told them I did that because I don't want people to be uncomfortable around me. I explained I had my hard days, just like every other human being.
I felt really good that I was able to be that honest.

I find myself on a "nature high" from all the attention I received today. I craved attention and I get my worth from it. I know this is so unhealthy, and many times it is a sin. There are times that I rather seek attention then obey Jesus. (Today was not an example of this. It has just reminded me of an area of weakness.)

Forgive me, Father. I know my craving of attention leads me to sin. I want to change that.

20 November, 2005

The Last Couple of Days Have Been Good!

I don't know if writing on this blog has made the difference or what, but I think this cycle of depression has ended! Thank you, God!

I had a good weekend. Friday night, Jane and Tina came over to my place to hang out. I actually felt like I was "presence". It was great. We ordered pizza, played UNO Attack, and talked. I really appreciate Jane and Tina.

Saturday afternoon, I went to a "Home and Garden Party." I also felt like I was "presence." There were great people there and a lot of laughter.

I was also "emotionally present at Sunday worship. It was just amazing connecting with the Holy Spirit. There is nothing like it. It is in that connection where I feel the most complete and whole.

Over the weekend, I had several good conversations with my mom and my brother Sean. I also let a few friends know about my blog. I felt save enough to do that.

I find blogging to be empowering. When I journal on paper, my fears are still kept in the dark. I can still pretend they don't exist. However, when I place them here they are release. I can't deny them or hide from them once they are cast out into the light.

Oh Wow! It is good to be back! However, the questions remain. Will I keep myself from another cycle? Will I do what it takes to take hold of the life God has for me?

I look forward to writing on this blog in the coming months and seeing where this journey takes me. I'm still scare of taking off my masks, but it will be good.

Father God, I know I can do all things through You because You give me strength.

How I Feel about My Disability:

I like to focus on the positives of having been born with a disability. It makes dealing with it easier. For example, I think I have an unique insight on life because of my disability.

On the other hand, I rarely give myself permission to admit how my disability distort my self image and how it make me feel at times. Well, I give myself permission now. Here are some of my
honest thoughts:

1. I see myself as a burden. This is why I only allow people to get so close. I don't want to drag people down or hold them back.

2. I hate the fact that it take me forever to do anything! For example, this post will have taken me two hours to type. (Well, actually maybe less. I am having a good typing day today.)

3. It makes me sad that three year-olds can do things that I can't. Putting on shoes, for example.

4. I hate when people view me as an "inspiration." I feel like I can't make mistakes because I would disappoint people.

5. I feel hurt when I don't get invited to some places due to accessibility issues or because people don't want to hassle with the wheelchair.

6. It embarrasses me that I'm not a great house cleaner and cook. These skills still help defines one's womanhood, whether right or wrong.

7. I think I physically look ugly due to my cerebral palsy. I don't look or move like women without disabilities.

8. I don't feel like I can offer a man anything. That is why I settle for casual sex. I don't think I deserve more.

9. It makes me sick when I use my disability to justify sin. No matter how much I hurt, Jesus commands me to seek comfort in Him ONLY and not in the arms of men.

10. I feel horrible that I can clearly see the beauty in other women with disabilities but not in myself.

WOW! I did it! I was honest with my feelings. I don't feel relief. I feel guilt. Why do I feel guilt? Is it because I'm shattering the image that I feel like I should project.

19 November, 2005

Understanding Why I Have Trouble Expressing Myself: One of the reason

I was born with cerebral palsy. As a result, I must use a power wheelchair. I have limited motor skills and have low vision. I also have a speech impairment. In short, my life is not easy. It may be good in many ways, but it is not easy.

When I was young, I had learned that many, many people pitied me. As a child, I didn't understand this. Didn't they know I was a just a regular little girl? I began realizing at some level that if I wanted to be seen as "normal", I would have to show the world what I had to offer. I learned to be the outgoing, bright, funny kid who brought inspiration to everyone who knew her. I was one of the first students with a severe disability to be mainstreamed in a regular elementary classroom.(This was in the early '80's.) My special education teacher really pushed for this.

You see, Mrs. Long saw something in me- a desire to be a regular kid. She found this out the hard way. When I was first placed in her Special Ed class, she was shocked. She truly believed I was severely mentally retarded. This was due to the fact that back then, my speech impairment was quite severe. She would place me in the back of the room with a coloring book, as she preceded to teach the rest of the children with less severe disabilities.

Little did she know that I, a little seven year old, could have thrown such fits! I wanted to learn-darn it! I used to throw my pencils and screamed to let her know that I was inside my body, wanting to learn! Well, Mrs. Long finally got the picture. She began to teach me, and then she realized that I would excel in a regular second grade classroom. She advocated for me, and they agreed to let me learn with the regular kids. (I just needed some accommendotions.)
People were amazed at how well I did. Mrs. Long said I was special, and I had to keep proving to the world that I was as good as anyone. She said that because of my disability, I had to be the best. That was the only way people would take me seriously. This is when I developed my outgoing, funny personality. I was able to read people back then. I use to get such positive feedback when I was “on.” Teachers and kids accepted me when I was happy-go-lucky. People acted uncomfortable when I was anything than positive in my life.

The belief that people would only like me if I was happy and if I excelled formed when I was a child, and I battle with that same belief today.

I am 30 years old now, and I get scared to death when people see that I don't have it “all together”. This is why I do all I can to numb my emotions. I truly believe everyone would abandon me if they really knew me.

I know this is irrational thinking..........Father God, renew my thinking.

18 November, 2005

Time to get down to Work!

Ok, I need to start expressing myself, right? Hmm, where do I begin?.Gggrrrrrrrrrrrr, last night my mind was racing with stuff that I need to write about. Now, my mind is blank, and my emotions seem distance. Hmm, ok, let me explore this. Why is my mind blank, and why are my emotions seem distance?

I am scared. What if I can't handle what is inside of me?

What if my family and friends misunderstand the intention of my blog and become offended? I don't want to hurt anyone's feelings. I just want to understand what makes me tick. In Psalm 51, it says God desires truth in our inner parts.

What if I just quit this blog? I don't think I could handle yet another failure. (I feel like they are becoming to many to count.)

What if people think I'm a freak? I know when I start to regularly post, alot of stuff will come out. I will be all over the place with my emotions. Of course, the ideal thing would be that over time my emotions will even out.

Ok, these are my fears. However, I must face them. If I do, I know I will be blessed.

I know, Jesus, You will be with me every step of the way. I know You are big enough to handle my anger, sadness, my desires,hopes, and joys. I don't need to be afraid of being honest with You, with others, or with myself.

17 November, 2005

My First Post!!

I am excited to be starting this blog. I am not good in expressing myself, and it really hinders my life. I deny my feelings so much that I get overwhelmed and shut down. I go through cycles of depression where I become numb to the world. At times, I use food, casual sex, TV and oversleeping to keep my emotions at bay.

I want to put an end to these cycles of "emotional torture." I want to be the woman that God has created me to be. I want to stop believing Satan's lies about who and what I am. I am seeing a counselor, and I am taking antidepressants. However, I realize I need to do more then that. I need to learn to deal and express my emotions as they occur.

If I don't do this, I will be doom to repeat the unhealthy patterns for the rest of my life and miss out on what God has to offer. If I learn to express my emotions here, then maybe I can do that in my real life with my friends and family. Maybe I can fully and completely give my being to Jesus. How awesome would that be?